Fate
by animeaesthtic
Summary: Whether you love what you love, or live in divided ceaseless revolt against it, what you love is your fate.
1. Chapter 1

"Petra, are you even listening to me?"

"Hmm?" Her gaze flickered back to the agitated man standing in front of her. "Oh give it a rest Oluo. I don't need to listen to you because you've already told me this a hundred times."

"You're too obvious Petra. You can't just say and do whatever pops into your little head. Not when it comes to him."

"Isn't it our job to protect people?"

"Civilians, yes. Your captain? No."

"Shove it. Besides, all I did was help him out with a titan. That is what I'm good at after all. "

"You almost never help me when we're in the field…"

"Yeah well, maybe I would if you learned to behave Oluo." Pushing past him she made her way down the hill to the stables. It was her turn to tend to the horses and give their stalls a deep cleaning. A job she actually tended to enjoy, considering the horses weren't insolent jerks who felt compelled to voice their opinions every five seconds. They couldn't talk at all.

"I'm on stable duty tonight. Save me some dinner and maybe I'll forgive you." she tossed over her shoulder.

* * *

"Hello everyone." She spoke softly as she entered the stables. There were only six horses currently, so she figured the job would take a couple of hours tops. "Shall we get some fresh air?"

A chorus of neighs came in response and she laughed, leading each one out to the small pasture for them to graze. The rest of the squad always gave her shit for allowing herself to grow attached to the horses. As far as she knew, she was the only one who used her spare time to feed them apples or give them a quick scratch behind the ear. To the men, they were tools; but even if that were true, those 'tools' kept them from becoming titan food. So for now she would continue to care for them and the rest of her squad could suck it.

 _Suck it?_ A loud groan escaped her lips. When did she get such a vulgar mouth? Being the only woman was clearly beginning to take its toll. It was a constant hassel to keep her cursing to a minimum these days. Her vocabulary was starting to mainly consist of a lengthy list of many impolite responses. Some of which, caused her cheeks to glow red just thinking about it. Lucky for her, she had been successful at keeping her tasteless new habit hidden from her captain. Even though Eld and Gunther had threatened to tell a couple of times… but so far, so good.

After returning the horses to their clean stalls, she made her way back up the hill towards the main quarters they had recently moved to. It was nice, much nicer than the previous set of apartments they had been forced to share with a few other military branches, but as Levi had warned her "It's only temporary."

 _Temporary._

A word that once terrified her, now seemed to pull her soul from its constant state of panic. There was comfort in knowing that almost everything in her life was temporary. The pain and fear- the loss- it was all temporary.

And in a world as temporary as theirs, the scariest thing was to think that something would last forever.

 _Like death._

Yeah, like that. Nothing is more permanent than that.

She shook her head violently as if the thoughts could be thrown from her mind. What was she thinking about before? _Oh right,_ their new living quarters. They weren't located too far from the survey corps current headquarters. Only about a twenty minute ride really, but the distance was more than enough for her. Over the last year, the survey corps had begun to up it's recruitment; making their already small space even smaller. Meaning there was never any peace or privacy. And after walking in on her fourth hookup, she had made sure to confine herself to her room after dark. As interesting as it was to know who was sleeping around with who, she did not want to actually see it. So when the announcement was made that the special team would be moving house, she was more than happy about it. She could do things here that she would never have dreamed of doing before. Like now, after sweating over hay and dirt for more than an hour she could utilize the outdoor shower and wash the traces of her work from her body.

 _Well, it's not exactly a shower._ More like a shower head conveniently placed on the side of the house most likely meant for spraying off tools or whatever. But, no one on the team seemed to have noticed it within the last month and so it was now unofficially hers. Perfect for washing away the dirt, sweat, and horse hair she had managed to collect. Sure, it was bold to strip out in the open but it was dark and she was safe. That was the real reason she chose to skip dinner on her cleaning days. By the time she was done with her chores, it was late and everyone was tucked away in their rooms. She was alone, and she made sure to make use of that precious time. Besides, there was no way in hell she would track hay and manure through the clean house. She could already see the disapproving scowl of her captain now.

Dropping her sweat soaked clothes to the ground, she turned the rusted spout allowing for a steady stream of cool water to flow out. The roughness of it helped massage her aching muscles and she took her time rinsing off.

She couldn't help the satisfied grin that spread across her face as she wrapped herself in a towel and made her way to the door. It was a wonderful feeling to be able to leave the scents of the outdoors where they belonged.

"Out for a midnight stroll, Ral?"

The deadpanned voiced called out to her as she slipped through the open door, causing her to nearly jump out of her skin. "Captain! I was just-"

Levi sat back further in his chair, causing the front legs to lift from the ground. A smug look plastered across his face. "No need for excuses. I suppose we all have our secrets."

Petra dropped her gaze in an attempt to hide her face. She was sure her cheeks were ablaze. "I was just finishing with the stables, Sir."

He lifted an eyebrow, his expression seeming only slightly interested. "I didn't realize you preferred to clean like that." He motioned towards her small towel, causing her entire body to grow red in embarrassment.

"You hate dirt." She blurted out.

"I do."

"I'm clean."

"You are."

She tried to regain her external composure as best she could. Internally- she was kicking herself. _"I'm clean" Is that the best you could come up with. Nice job, you're officially an ass._

"I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't expect anyone to be up."

"Drop the formalities, Petra. There's no one here and you're in a towel. 'Captain' just doesn't seem to fit the current situation. Why don't you go change into something that covers a little more."

"Yeah sure." she squeaked while carefully maneuvering around him and out of the room. She returned a few moments later and sat down across the table from him.

"Tea?"

She nodded silently still keeping her gaze turned down.

"Not talkative tonight, are we?"

"You're not exactly the talking type, Sir." Her eyes grew wide before apologizing quickly at her boldness.

He simply ignored her. "And I didn't see you as being the type to sneak around at odd hours of the night. I guess we were both wrong."

Taking a gulp of her tea she attempted to steer the conversation away from her. "What are you doing up so late anyway?"

"I don't sleep much."

 _She knew that. Everyone knew that._

"And you just happened to be in the mood for tea?"

"Pretty much. It seems I have good timing, too." He shot back at her.

"I was with the horses." She mumbled into her cup.

"Hn. I'm sure you were."

 _Was he…._ "Are you teasing me, Sir?" she asked carefully.

"It's Levi, Petra. And yes I am."

She watched as he swirled the spoon in his cup idily. "You're full of surprises tonight… Levi" She tested out using his name casually. It was strange to say the least. She caught his gaze and the blush returned to her face.

"And you're awfully…red tonight, Ral."

She laughed then, moving her hands to rub her burning cheeks. "You know you're not supposed to point it out."

"Sorry. I'm not as good at teasing as Oluo is."

 _Oluo isn't good at anything._

"What was that face for?"

"It was nothing. Oluo isn't good at teasing is all."

"So he's not your type then."

She could feel her face drop and she began to stammer once again. "M-My what?"

An amused look spread over his usually stern features. Was he enjoying her visible fall from grace? She had worked so hard on the cool and collected persona she used around him, only to have it completely unraveled in a matter of minutes.

"Your type, Ral. You do have one don't you?"

"I don't know." _Of course she knew._ "Maybe I do." _She definitely did._

"Well, what is it then? Not a horse I hope."

"What! No- I mean I do have one but I'm not telling you what it is! Unless… you tell me yours first." She moved to grab her cup again, needing something in her hands to keep them steady.

"You want to know my type?"

"Yes. I'm…curious is all."

He leaned forward, sitting the chairs front legs back on the ground. "Alright. I'd say… Tall."

 _Not me._

"What was that look for?"

She cursed herself for wearing her emotions so visibly and cleared her throat before sitting the now empty cup down. "I'm not tall."

"And I'm not a horse." He stood then and grabbed the cup gently from her hands, moving to put them in the sink. "Looks like we'll both have to settle."

* * *

Levi watched as a range of various emotions flashed across her face.

 _Confusion, shock, embarrassment._

And one more he couldn't quite figure out. Either way her reaction to his words pleased him for some reason. It was easy to say the things he regularly thought in his mind out loud to her when they were alone; but it was unnerving to him as well. Control was something he never struggled with, especially not in a romantic way. He never fought with himself over feelings of intimacy or lust towards other women. When he was younger he had eventually given in and slept with one just to have the burden of his virginity dealt with; but once the deed was done he was content with it not happening again. Physical attraction alone was not enough to make him throw caution to the wind, it would take more. Even though he admittedly didn't know what that was. All he knew was that she had it; and he had known since the day he met her. It wasn't love at first sight, because that doesn't exist anyway. It was more like a sort of familiarity between them. When he met her it was as if he had already known her for years, but he would never admit that.

He finished drying the cups and sat them by the edge of the sink to be put away later. Petra was still staring at him with the mix of emotions lining her soft features. Her large doe eyes silently begging him for an explanation and he wondered if he could even give her one.

"If there's something you want to ask me, ask it."

Her lashes fluttered and her usually pouty lips tightened into a thin line. "Are you teasing me again Levi?"

"I wouldn't tease about this Petra. You know that." Crossing his arms, he pressed his back into the counter behind him. "You seem confused."

"That's because I am." she hesitated for a moment, biting her lip. "I don't know what to think. Why are you saying this now?"

He shrugged. "Did you have a better time in mind?"

"No-"

"I'm only saying that the feelings are mutual, Ral. Don't overthink it." He moved over to wear she was still sitting and offered her a hand, which she took after a moment of contemplation. "None of us have enough time to worry about things that don't really matter."

"Are you saying that this doesn't matter?"

"What happens between us does. But all of those other things you're worrying about don't."

He knew what she was focusing on even without her having tell him. Petra was one to give an immense amount of thought to the most minuscule of things. She was dissecting problems of the future before they even existed.

 _What would happen next? What would their squad think? What would the commander do if he found out?_

It was written all over her lovely face.

Almost as if she could read his thoughts she ran her tongue over her lips and lifted her chin so that she was level with his eyes. "So what happens now?"

 _What was going to happen now?_

He didn't know. He had just confessed his feelings of attraction towards her and he knew she returned them. But there was something keeping him from moving closer to her. _Fear?_ There was nothing that scared him more than having her. Having someone meant there would be something to miss when they left; and you can't miss what you never had. But he knew it was only a matter of time before they found themselves alone together- tangled in a messy embrace. _What you love is your fate._ His mother had told him that once and he had never believed it until now.

So he decided to be honest with her since there was no point in dancing around what was bound to happen eventually. "I don't know what happens next, Petra. I'm not sure if that's something I even want to think about right now."

She hummed softly as she nodded her head in understanding. "Then we'll worry about it later. Goodnight, Captain." Her eyes sparkled and she spun to leave, a small gust of air blowing her scent back towards him. _Lavender and honey._ He had often wondered if it was the shampoo she used that made her smell that way or perhaps it was just her.

What you love is your fate.

And Petra Ral was his.


	2. Chapter 2

On most morning's she would have been the first one up and on the move. Running off only a few hours of sleep was something she was more than accustomed to. _Late nights and early mornings._ Since she was a child.

But this morning was different. Although she had laid in bed for the few hours she did every night, sleep had evaded her completely. Her mind was still reeling with thoughts whizzing by at top speed. All of them containing a single name. _Levi_. He had caught her sneaking in, hair dripping wet and covered in nothing save a measly towel. And what had she done? Babbled like an idiot in front of him. Any semblance of grace- gone. It was a cringe worthy memory even if it was only a few hours old. Admittedly she had fantasized more than a few times about what she would do if they ever crossed paths in the quiet hours of the night; but in her dreams she was always prepared. She'd have been put together- not a sopping mess- and picturesque. They would have shared tea and discussed pointless things until she eventually found the courage to make her move. A move that would have been executed flawlessly. She'd have said something cheeky and he'd respond equally and then somehow they'd have ended up tangled in a fevered embrace. _Or something like that._

Instead she stuttered and sputtered like a dying engine. But still he had said the words she'd longed to hear. So why was she sick with melancholy instead of soaring in bliss? It wasn't the way he said it, she was well accustomed to his manners, but more of what he said. _'The feelings are mutual'._ How could he possibly know what she felt for him when she was unsure herself? All she knew was that it was far beyond words. She'd fight for him, die for him, and defend him always. His title of captain had little to do with it; she'd feel the same even if he was stripped of all the many names he was adorned with. _Only one truly mattered anyway._ His approach could be rough and his personality, at times, rigid. But he was unapologetic in everything he did and that was enough for her. For as long as he was Levi, she would love everything about him; including his pure and terrible heart, because no other like it would ever exist.

She also knew he couldn't say the same for her. He was attracted to her body and possibly her mind; but her soul? _Of course not._

So the feelings were not mutual; they were only half. Which meant one question remained. If lust was the only feeling he shared for her, could she give him just that. Just her body? And even if she could somehow convince herself to separate her love from lust, would he end up rejecting her in the end? She knew what he had said, the words were still fresh in her mind, but of all the people he could have why would he want her?

It was no secret that people slept together within their regime. She had seen it with her own two eyes, on accident of course, and more times than she would have liked. But Levi wasn't like that. Throughout her years as a scout she had never heard his name mentioned in the waves of gossip that floated around their barracks. Even before she had joined his squad, his name never came up. Sure, plenty of girls whispered about how much they wanted him, and what they would do if they ever got the chance; but that was it. If he did sleep around, it was a well kept secret. _And it wasn't with just anyone_.

No one had higher standards than Levi. Whoever he was taking to his bed would have to be special. She would be tall and beautiful with skin like silk. How could she compete with such a person? After years of cutting down giants, she was far from flawless. She was a soldier and her body had been adorned with many battle scars over the years. Surely he must know that; he had been present for more than a few.

So she was back to the same nagging question. Would he accept her if she offered? Was that something she even wanted? Her body screamed yes but her heart whispered no. He could never love her. It would be purely physical and that could completely unravel everything she had worked for. She loved him without ever having touched him which meant she was already in too deep.

It was all so strange, two days ago her feelings for her captain were nothing more than a private matter. It was nothing and now suddenly _everything_. All because he had caught her sneaking in and decided to try and have a normal conversation with her. One that had started off innocent and taken a hard turn into foreign territory. He was still the same Levi she had grown to love and admire. He was cold and unyielding- not exactly the relationship type. And yet, he had opened up to her and even teased her when they were alone. _Nothing made sense anymore._

* * *

After a quick shower, she headed downstairs. Everyone was already seated and eating whatever food they had managed to scrape together. Even though breakfast was technically the most important meal for them, the current lack in funding made it impossible to guarantee all three meals. Breakfast and lunch consisted of whatever you could find, while dinner was the only full meal you were sure to receive.

"Well look who finally decided to show up" Gunther grumbled, his mouth full of whatever he was chewing on.

She couldn't help but scrunch her face in distaste as she grabbed a serving of the mysterious meal. She decided it was probably better not to ask, and simply took the open seat at the edge of the table. Levi turned his cool gaze towards her and slid a steaming cup of tea her way. She managed to produce a tired smile and a quiet thanks. She hated that it came out so timid, but their close proximity made her face grow hot.

 _You're pathetic._

It wasn't as if this was the first time she had been seated next to him. Levi always sat at the head of the table and everyone else just filled in around him. The seat next to him happened to be open. It was always open, and she had never questioned why. In fact, she had never really noticed. But now it was painfully obvious. She glanced around at her comrades, wondering if they left this seat open for her intentionally. Oluo caught her eye and flashed a smile towards her.

"Like what you see, Ral?"

Ignoring his question, she simply shot him a look that screamed 'fuck off'. She wouldn't slip up in front of her captain like she was sure Oluo wanted her to. There would be nothing more pleasing to him than to see her red faced from such a mistake. Filling her lungs with much needed air, she breathed out a dramatic sigh; earning questionable looks from her squad mates. She mumbled some version of an apology and continued on with the task of finishing her tea.

It would be a painfully long day.


	3. Chapter 3

Her prediction had been correct, that day had been a long one. In fact, the entire past week had been a long one; filled with rigorous trainings and endless paperwork. She was exhausted- _beyond that._

Throughout the week she had barely spoken to her captain. Admittedly she had barely even seen him. The night after their brief discussion, he had informed her that he would be away on business and asked her to keep up with their daily logs and other miscellaneous work. Due to the many late nights they had been stuck working together she was comfortable taking on the task alone; so she of course had agreed and that was that. It had been days since their last encounter; she wondered what kind of business he was dealing with and if she really wanted to find out.

A light knock at her door forced her to put down her pen and tear her eyes away from the page she had been working on. Blinking heavily she struggled to even remember what it had been about- something to do with justifying the supplies they had requested. In other words, _a waste of time._

Wrapping her loose fitting robe around her torso, she tied it securely; enjoying the feel of the fine fabric against her finger tips. It had been a gift from her mother, but that was a long time ago. The memory of it seemed foreign now, as if it didn't truly belong to her. Perhaps it belonged to a different version of herself; one where she had chosen the calm life of a civilian, instead of becoming a soldier.

Padding over to the door she cracked it open enough to see the figure on the outside. "Nanaba?"

"Petra- I'm sorry it's so late." She wrung her hands while bouncing slightly. "Can I come in?"

The troubled look on the womens face sparked a sense of urgency within her. Nodding she stepped aside and let her pass through the doorway, closing it behind her.

"What's going on? Is everything alright?"

Nanaba paced robotically across the center of the room, her cropped hair adding to her overall intensity. Petra had never had any real run-ins with her before. They occasionally engaged in small talk, but rarely anything more than that.

Finally after what felt like an eternity the woman settled her statuesque figure into the chair she had been sitting in earlier. Petra followed her lead and planted herself on the edge of the bed facing her.

"I know you don't know much about what Levi has been doing over the last few days, and I'm not here to explain any of that,"

 _Then why was she here?_ If not to explain anything- what could possibly be her motivation in showing up?

"Shit- I'm rambling."

Petra's eyes fluttered realising that she had drifted from their conversation entirely. "What is it you need to tell me, Nanaba?"

"Your name has been floating around the capital- Thats where we've been the last few days. I was supposed to be seeking out someone and found myself in a place I shouldn't have been and I heard your name."

"My name?" _She didn't know anyone there._

"Yeah- I told Mike and he thought it would be best to tell Erwin who instructed us not to tell you or Levi. I understand not telling Levi because of his temper but-" She paused for a second, running a slender hand through her platinum hair. "I just didn't feel right about keeping you in the dark on this one. This place I was at... it wasn't somewhere anyone would want to hear their name being called. I just thought you should know."

Petra nodded slowly as her mind still processed the new information. "Thanks for telling me. I'd rather be prepared even if it's not something to be concerned about."

"Right." Nanaba placed her hands on the tops of her knees and pushed herself to stand. "I've got to get back. Mike is going to kill me when he finds out I came here. It's up to you if you want Levi to know-"

"No!" Clearing her throat to lower her volume again she gave a soft grin. "The captain doesn't need to know."

Nanaba's eyes sparkled in delight. "The captain?" Her voice grew brassy as she spoke, "Strange that you'd refer to him that way when he's not around."

Petra could feel herself growing flustered. "How is that strange?"

"Well you're lovers aren't you?"

"W-what- No! We're not... lovers."

She watched as the electric blonde's lips curled into a teasing pout. "Well then, forget I said anything."

And she was gone.

* * *

 _Lovers?_ Moving across the room to her bedside table she turned the remaining lantern off, deciding she had done enough paperwork for the evening. As she lay in bed, Nanaba's slip up was the furthest thing from her mind. The reminder that her name had been brought up within the capital was unsettling, but surprising? _Not at all._

The majority of the men within the capital were pervy and... strange. They fantasized over any woman to pass by them wearing a uniform. They were obsessed with the image of a beautiful dame helpless in the arms of a titan. Something about the fleeting lives they lived was oddly arousing to them.

She knew that. _Hell, everyone knew that._ Which is why every year a selected few would be asked to attend a variety of fundraising events; their sole purpose being to entertain and please the eyes of the men, and some women, in attendance.

She had been asked by Erwin to accompany him a number of times, and every time she declined to go. Not that spending an evening with the Commander would be terrible, but mostly because she preferred to not have every inch of her body studied by men as old as time itself. She would never fault anyone who accepted, of course. How could she? An evening filled with glittering gowns and rich wine was something she would obviously enjoy. If only she could remove the repulsive men from the event.

Even though she had declined each invitation so far, she made sure the commander knew that if he ever truly needed her she would, of course, oblige. It was the least she could do considering he had given her a choice at all. If he wanted to, he could simply tell her she was going and that would be the end of it. But instead when she declined he would give a understanding gesture and leave her to her thoughts, and she was grateful for that.

* * *

A pounding at the door caused her to fly forward in bed, her unkempt copper fringe tangled across her face.

"Don't tell me you're still asleep in there, Pet." Oluo's voice boomed on the other side of the wooden barrier.

 _What?_ Her eyes dashed around the room, only now, noticing the muted light shining in through her curtains. With no memory of falling asleep, she couldn't help the confusion in her voice. "I-I'm awake. I'll be down in a sec!"

She was a terrible liar, and she knew Oluo didn't believe her in the slightest; but the sound of his retreating footsteps told her he wasn't planning on grilling her for it this time.

Smoothing the wisps of hair from her face she crawled from the bed and stretched. All of the early morning trainings were finally beginning to take their toll. Luckily, there was no reason for her to take time in her appearance. Throwing on a sports bra and a pair of shorts, she made her way to the bathroom to brush her teeth and splash her face, hoping the frigid water would help to wake her up.

By the time she reached the kitchen, the rest of her squad had finished their breakfast and were already headed out the door. She knew attempting the two mile run they started each morning with without anything in her stomach would be hell, but that was the price she would have to pay for waking up late.

Somehow she managed to keep pace with the rest of them, but refrained from engaging in any of their normal banter. Her stomach was already beginning to ache from the lack of nourishment, and each intake of air was met with a sharp cramp. She finished last, having given up near the final sprint of their run.

Red cheeked and covered in a sheen of sweat, she reached for a small towel next to her water. There was nothing worse than sparring slicked down head to toe. The way her wet skin would collide with her partners was a tad more intimate than she preferred.

"Alright. Petra you're with Eld today-"

"Aw come on! You know how she is when the captain isn't here." Eld's shrill voice reached her ears causing her head to snap in his direction, a dangerous look embedded in her features.

"Don't look at me like that. You know you're way more aggressive when he's not here. Oluo still has bruises from two days ago!"

"Oluo got his ass kicked because he doesn't know how to keep his comments to himself." She snapped back at him. "Besides, I won't be able to leave any marks if you actually try and block them."

Although she was the smaller of them all, she knew each of their weakness well. Eld was easy to predict and Oluo was easily distracted. While Gunther's movements were, at times slow, even though there was a ridiculous amount of power behind them. She also knew that for each weakness, they had five other strengths. Fighting them was never easy, but she had her own collection of hidden abilities to make use of. The most important being her capacity to learn and anticipate the stances and maneuvers of her opponent. It helped to save her ass in many occasions, but it also heightened her ability to assist her squad in battle. Knowing that Oluo's left side was his dominant, while Eld tended to avoid his because of a previous injury, allowed her to step in and compensate for whatever they were lacking in. It was a skill she had developed while growing up.

When she was young she preferred the company of boys rather than girls; the boys were allowed to have more fun. Climbing on rooftops and galloping through the city streets. Her parents never minded much that she wanted to run free instead of sit still, but they had made sure she knew how to hold her own. "Everything you do, you do through here." He father had said, poking her soft stomach and making her giggle in the process. "The muscles in there help control everything. Keep them tight and you'll be alright. If not those little twigs won't break anything but themselves."

Well, her arms weren't twigs anymore, but in hand-to-hand combat she still treated them as if they were. Eld knew that and worked to exploit it immediately, but she had expected nothing less from him. He sent a wave of blows to various points on her upper body, his fist connecting with the soft tissue of her upper arm. It would definitely bruise. "I thought you said no marks?"

Sending a cheeky grin her way he returned to his stance and bounced on the balls of his feet. She returned the gesture and focused in on his lower half, it was clear that he was still nursing his left ankle. She didn't want to go for it directly and risk a more serious injury, but attacking his right side would force him to apply weight to it. A few solid kicks to his thigh should be enough to knock him off balance. Her legs were her strongest point and she preferred to use them in most cases; but in most cases they were fighting titans, not people.

She danced around him, waiting for the moment he stepped forward to throw a punch, and responded by colliding her shin with the soft part of his thigh. It was an attack that would feel like a nuisance on the first few hits, but as the muscle started to grow tender, his ability to apply any pressure would fade fast.

A few more kicks and his weight was resting heavily on his left, just as she wanted. Spinning on her heel, she sent a blow to the back of his left knee, causing him to kneel into the ground. There was no way he'd be able to get up fast enough and so she took the chance to lace an arm through his, forcing it behind his head in submission. "Do you yield?" She ground out through clenched teeth. Her energy was fading fast and she doubted she'd be able to maintain the pose for much longer.

Pulling the arm she had in her grasp further down his back, he finally caved; a series of yelps being his only response and she released him with a satisfied smile.

"We'll see who's laughing in 3...2...-"

"Huh?" Confused, she whirled around to face the direction he was staring.

Seeing a slightly amused Erwin and the indifferent scowl of her captain she straightened herself instinctively, licking away a salty droplet of sweat that lingered on her lips. "Commander Erwin- Captain." She saluted. The feeling of her exposed skin was suddenly painful as she eyed them both.

Levi's expression remained unchanged as he turned his gaze from her to the remaining bodies lounging behind. "Oiy. Clean yourselves up and meet in the common room." His nose wrinkling slightly he added, "You all look terrible."

She felt a relieved breath escape her body at his cold remark and turned to fetch her water as the rest of her squad began the trek inside. She lifted the cool container to her flushed lips, before an involuntary yelp escaped her at the feel of a stern hand wrapping around her arm.

"You need to ice this before it bruises." His thumb brushed over the red patch of skin.

She continued to gape awkwardly at his hand around her arm before fumbling with a reply, his steely eyes still learning down at her. "I will, Sir."

He released his grasp and brushed past her. "Good. Hurry and get changed. We need to talk."

 _Shit._


	4. Chapter 4

She showered quickly and threw on a clean uniform, as she had been instructed to do; but decided against grabbing any ice for her arm. The mark was barely visible and it wasn't as if she'd die from it. Besides, her insides were churning at a rapid pace, pumping unnecessary adrenaline through her veins. _We need to talk._ What did that even mean? Who says something so ominous like that unless they want to cause immense distress to the person they said it to?

After he had spoken those words she responded with some version of a yes, before speed walking away like her life depended on it. For all she knew, it did. Was he referring to the talk they were all about to have as a squad, or a talk between just them?

It was during times like these that she wished people could just say what they meant without the added suspense. But that was who Levi was- an unusual amount of suspense mixed with a dangerous temper. _Very intense._ Why was she so enthralled with him again?

Flying down the stairs with as much speed she could muster she reached the bottom with a solid thud. Hopefully she wasn't the last one. _That would be embar-_

"Ow." She rubbed her forehead and looked up to see what she had managed to run into, _or who_. "Sorry, sir, I wasn't exactly paying attention-"

"Clearly."

She felt her face flush with shame at his tense remark. "I'm sorry."

Pushing her back around the hall she had just came from, he led her to a small corner out of sight. She was sure her expression was one of shock and confusion at the forcefulness of his movements.

"Whatever Erwin asks of you, say no."

Her brows knit together. "Commander Erwin? Why would you want me to say no to him?"

Levi's gaze narrowed and he stepped away from her; she cursed herself for the twinge of disappointed that surged through her body at his sudden separation.

"I'm not sure what's going on. Just," She watched as his jaw tightened in frustration. "Don't agree to anything." His darkened expression began to make her nervous.

"Levi, what's going on-"

"Damnit Petra... Just say no."

Pressing her lips into a thin line she conceded. "Yes, sir."

He didn't say anything more and without another glance in her direction, he turned away heading off in the direction of their common room. He was pissed, but she had seen him like this a number of times before. The alarm that usually accompanied witnessing Levi's fervor, was now reduced to little more than a shudder of unease within her.

Witnessing her Captain's distress now only intensified her senses; it woke her up. Whereas in the past, she had shut down; convinced that anything capable of shaking him would be their demise. But she had learned quickly that a response riddled with fear was an immense disappointed in his eyes, and so she taught herself to be unmoved in the face of uncertainty. The things that used to leave her in a state of panic, now made her eyes blank and her hands shake with anticipation.

Like they were now, trembling in preparation. She balled them into fist, the tips of her nails piercing the soft flesh of her palm. Whatever the commander asked of her this time, she would do; and Levi would have to forgive her for it.

* * *

The meeting was trivial; filled with budget reports and plans for future training routes. She couldn't help but fidget in her chair in an attempt to remain focused, and earned a look of contempt from her Captain in the process. Instead of her usual apologetic gesture, she simply averted her gaze elsewhere.

For once, she knew something he didn't. She knew that whatever request Erwin made of her would most likely be connected with the information Nanaba had shared. And, after thirty minutes of discussing their minimal budget, she knew the Commander had no intention of addressing her here.

She snuck a look in her Captain's direction. His serious yet silent features showed he was unmoved for the most part.

The scraping of chairs against the floor brought her back to reality. Whatever was said in the last few minutes, she had missed.

"Petra, are you coming?" Eld questioned, his eyebrow raised.

She look around and noticed the empty table she was still sitting at. Levi and Erwin were both gone. "Yeah, sorry. I'm coming."

He studied her for a second as she pushed her chair in. "Are you alright? You seem... off."

She could feel his eyes on her, searching her face for some sort of confirmation. With a warm smile plastered over her features, she gave a swift nod. "I'm fine Eld, just tired. You worry too much, you know that?" She added a laugh to make her performance more believable.

"Hm, now that you mention it, I have been told that a few times recently."

Lacing her arm through his she pulled him from the confines of the room. "Exactly."

They walked together to dinner and she listened as he updated her on the upcoming wedding, and threw her head back in a fit of laughter when he admitted to wanting the whole process to be over with already. It was a nice distraction from the long list of problems they were facing, but it didn't last long.

She didn't need to look around to know that Levi wasn't there when they entered the room. She could feel it. The air always seemed heavier when he wasn't there; the weight of it now seemed to chase away her desire to be present any longer.

Slipping her arm from Eld's grasp she stopped suddenly. "There's something I need from my room," She explained, jutting a finger towards the door. "I'll be right back!"

He gave her a curious look, somewhere between believing her and wanting to call her out on her lie, but let her go nonetheless. If he did suspect something else was amis, he clearly knew better than to try and get to the bottom of it now.

She spun on her heel and hurried from the room, failing to notice the new lanky figure in her path. Her lips parted open in surprise as she nearly averted crashing into him. "I'm sorry... I didn't see you there."

"Miss Ral?" His voice was raspy; not fitting of his slim build.

"Yes?"

"Commander Erwin needs to see you."

"Oh. Um... Alright."

He turned to leave and she followed behind him through the twisting halls, stopping when they reached a staircase near the east wing. "Up the stairs, it's the first door on the right."

Nodding, she mumbled a form of thanks and did as he instructed. With each step her heartbeat quickened in anxiousness; and as before she directed the sudden build of energy to her fists, clenching them tightly. If this was going to be her new way of coping, she would have to cut her nails or risk scaring her hands permanently.

She turned the corner and prepared to knock, noticing the door was already open.

"Miss Ral, please come in and sit down."

"Commander," She nodded in greeting. "Please, Sir, Petra is fine."

She tried her best to remain unfazed at their private meeting, but this was the first time she had ever met with the Commander alone. He was an intimidating man like another she was familiar with. You'd think by know that she'd be unfazed by cool gazes and strong features. But, as with Levi, Erwin Smith had the ability to stop you dead in your tracks just to admire such a fine creation. And just like her Captain, she was sure he was used to it by now.

"Very well. I apologize for the suddenness of my needing to speak with you. Though... you don't seem very surprised."

"No, Sir. I was warned that you would be seeking me out at some point."

"Ah... Levi I'm assuming?"

She avoided his question and produced a tight-lipped smile instead. "Commander, if you don't mind me asking, what is all of this about?"

"I've been told that one of my veterans, Nanaba, paid you a visit?"

"Yes, briefly."

"The men that have taken a liking towards you are men that have had close dealings with the crown."

"Former members of the military police?"

"Yes... in a sense; but these men operated on, lets just say, a different level than most."

She could see from the look on his porcelain face that he was dancing around what he truly wanted to say. "And they have information valuable to you, Commander?"

"Knowing the state of affairs within the innermost walls is something we are not privy to, but we require regardless."

"I think I understand, Sir. Although, would it not be strange for a member of the survey corps to find herself in a bar usually occupied by MP's?"

His sculpted brows furrowed a bit at her question, before smoothening out once again. A faint curl of his lips caused her lashes to flutter in confusion.

"Drunk men do not usually question the whereabouts of beautiful women, Miss Ral. Still, I planned on sending Nanaba in with you. She's been there before. The men have seen her once already and I doubt they'll question her bringing in one of her comrades for a drink."

"And the objective of this mission is to... obtain information only?"

"Yes. Find out what's going on under the surface, if there are any weak areas we should be aware of. Any doubts among the people."

"I understand, Sir."

"Good. As for the rest of your squad, they'll be around should anything not go according to plan. Although, I should stress that it would be best if nothing were to go wrong."

* * *

She knew where she needed to go now, she only hoped Levi would give her a chance to explain before ending her short life. Brushing her knuckles against the worn wood of his door she prayed he would be in a pleasant mood.

"Come in, Petra."

"Sir," She greeted him chastely. "How did you know it was me?"

"How could I not know. You're careful when you knock."

"Right..." She moved across his room carefully, taking a seat across from him.

Her fingers danced against the arm of the wooden chair. Levi sensed her antsiness, looking over to watch her fidget in her seat.

"I spoke with the Commander..." It came out barely above a whisper and she kept her gaze trained to the floor.

" _You, what?"_

She let her silence be her response. Levi's chest rose and fell for a moment as his skin rippled.

"Let me fucking guess, you said yes to whatever it was he asked of you."

 _More silence._

"And you thought it would be a good idea to come here after ignoring my orders?"

"Levi, please-"

" _Captain."_ He hissed out through clenched teeth.

There was no way to stop the damaged look from appearing on her face. She knew she had upset him, but she had hoped...

"How could I have said no? I took the same oath you did... How could I have-"

"Don't try and lecture me, Petra. I gave you an order and you ignored it. That's all this is about."

 _Like hell it was._ But she wouldn't argue, not here, not now. There was a difference between Levi's fury and his anger. His fury was frightening to watch unfold, but it was never aimed towards anyone he cared for. Rage and fury; those were things he saved for the battle field. For enemies. And so, it wasn't anything she feared.

His anger on the other hand, that was a different beast all together. At times, more frightening than his moments of bloodlust. There were few times she had ever seen him truly angry. Annoyed? _Yes_. Piqued? _Of course_. But angry? _Almost never._

There were many people who would mistake her Captains every emotion for anger; and there were some who considered Levi to be a man capable of only feeling contempt towards the world. But they didn't know him. Not like she did anyway. She knew that the only way to truly anger him, was to betray his trust. Whether that was the trust he had in his fellow commanding officers to never intentionally put their subordinates lives at risks; or the trust he had in Erwin, to never allow any loss of life to be meaningless. The betrayal of that trust was the only time she had ever seen him impassioned.

In those moments, there was only one thing she remembered. The one thing that chilled her to her bone and forced her to turn away. His voice. It was bitterly cold and callous. His words, carefully spoken and delivered which such finality it would be pointless to argue back. She had heard it when he confronted Hange in the words after they found the body of Ilse Langnar.

And she heard it now. His eyes had returned to their usual blank slate, steely and untelling. The quiet of the room suddenly made her uncomfortable, and she flinched visibly as she rose from her chair and made her way from the room.

"You're a lot of things, Levi, but you're no liar."

She waited, unsure of what she was hoping for when he had clearly dismissed her along with their discussion long before. It was hopeless. Why she had ever thought that they could be anything at all was beyond her. She was weak in his eyes. Someone who needed to be looked after carefully. Someone who couldn't be trusted to do even the most simple of tasks without putting herself in danger. It was the only explanation for why he sidelined her constantly. Even if that's how he saw her, it didn't make it true. She wasn't weak. Right now, she was furious.

Her heart clenched in response to her frustration. Nothing was wrong, but nothing was right either. There was only one thing she could do to release the swell building within her. It was what she always did. The only coping mechanism she had. To throw her fists into an unlucky training bag, making sure it heard all the things she wanted to say.

In the beginning he was discreet about it. _Well.. as discreet as Levi could be_. When they went on their various missions he would simply give her added warnings and remind her to be careful. She acknowledged it, but understood that there was no real way to avoid danger in their profession. It was impossible. Everyday she woke up was another day spent at risk, and she shared that burden with every member in her division. Still, she never thought much of it then, just that he was being overly cautious. But that soon changed. One day things were as they had always been and the next they were different. Suddenly and all at once, she was no longer on the front lines.

 _Oluo- Gunther- Eld-_

They were never kept away from the battle and if Erwin had approached them, she was sure there wouldn't have been any conflict involved. The thought enraged her. That she could be penalized for what? Being the only female on their squad?

Why had he picked her in the first place then, if he wasn't going to let her fight. If he was going to take her freedom. What was the point?

How many times he had sent her to tend to the wounded instead of letting her remain where she was truly needed? How many times had she been forced to watch as her Captain took on more titans than necessary. Titans she could have helped slice in half; and if she had, he wouldn't have walked away bloodied and bruised.

They were always superficial wounds, but the fact that it happened at all made her skin heat to a dangerous point. And each time she had to stitch the open wounds on his body closed, she knew he could feel that same heat radiating from her in waves. But he never said anything, and so she never did either. And what was there to say really?

To anyone else they were valid tasks, but she knew better. Her ability to synchronize herself to any member of their squad made her a necessary asset to have in combat. It allowed them to take down more titans with minimal risk to others around them. She knew that, her squad new that, and so did their Captain. And yet, he would keep her away regardless.

The sound of the training bag ripping brought her back to the present and she was suddenly aware of the damage she had done. Her muscles were tight and she was losing her full range of mobility. The sound of light footfalls behind her, however, brought the fire back into her swings.

"Petra, that's enough. You'll wake everyone in this damn house if you don't stop."

She ignored him, far too focused on tearing the bag from its hinges." _One- two-._ She spun on her heel and sent a fierce kick towards the large tear at the top of the bag, sending it flying across the room.

"Satisfied?" He sneered at her in annoyance.

The curt sound in his voice made her temper flare and she maneuvered quickly from her side of the room to where he was standing. "No, I am not _satisfied_. What the hell is your problem?"

"Captain." He corrected.

She smiled bitterly at is arrogance. "What the hell is your problem then, _Captain?_ "

He eyed the battered training bag lying on the floor. "It seems like you're the only one with a problem here."

"I don't have a problem." She clenched her fists to her side and noticed the sudden sting that came with the motion. He must have seen the twinge of pain flash across her face, because it was then that he reached for her hands. She made a sad attempted at pulling them back, but his speed outmatched hers. Lifting her fists up into view, his face tightened. They were bloodied and bruised and she wondered how she had failed to notice until now.

"Let's go." He ordered.

"With all due respect, Sir, I'm not going anywhere with you."

"For fucks sake Petra, cut the shit."

The look in his eyes was dangerous, and for a second she wasn't sure if she should continue to push him. She was exhausted from her impromptu boxing and he was pissed at the damage she'd managed to do. But still...

"No. This isn't fair." She cringed at how hoarse her voice sounded.

"Fair?"

 _Okay... probably not the best word choice._

"Does anything in our screwed up world actually seem _fair_ to you?" He didn't wait for a response before continuing, his voice remaining at a dangerous hiss. "I'm your commanding officer, Petra. I don't have to be fair."

Her voice was a whisper, exhaustion creeping in without her noticing. "Don't be cruel, Levi"

"Is that what you think of me? That I'm cruel?"

" _You_ are not cruel. The things you say, the things you do, they can be cruel. I'm only asking that... that you aren't cruel to me. Not about this."

He stopped for a moment. Inhaling deeply as though their continuous back and forth was beginning to wear him down. "I can't afford to worry about you, Petra. When you're out there... I do. I hate that I do, and I wish that I didn't."

"You can't keep me from danger, Levi. I made my choice. I gave up the security of a long life and I don't regret that decision... I'm sorry."

* * *

They walked in silence and she was careful to keep her distance from him. The tenseness in his shoulders as he walked was enough to warn her that he was still upset with her. And by upset she meant pissed. She had noticed that they were going the wrong way shortly after they left the training room, but she wasn't going to say anything. It was clear where they were going. She had walked this path many times to bring him tea or paperwork she had completed for him. But that was all done during the innocent hours of the day; unlike now.

She followed behind him through the doorway to his room and suddenly lost the nerve she previously had. She was painfully aware of the thin sports bra and uniform pants she was clad in, remembering now that she had left her shirt in the room due to their sudden departure. Levi moved throughout his room collecting an arm full of items before sitting them in her arms.

"Here. Go change."

And by change he meant shower. Her cheeks flamed red at the sight of a towel and some of his clothing. "My room isn't far away. You don't have to give me clothes, Levi- I mean- Sir _._ " She stammered, and was met with a blank stare. She stood there searching his face for a change but found none. "Alright then." she breathed out more to herself than him.

She showered quickly, the burning of her hands encouraging her to speed through the process as much as possible. Turning off the water and drying herself she began to pick up the clothing he had given her. Slipping into a loose white shirt and dark shorts. _Who knew Levi had clothing other than his uniform._

She had honestly assumed it was the only thing he owned considering he never really slept or lounged. With a shrug she folded her clothes neatly and moved from the bathroom over to a chair in the corner, setting them down and turning to face him. He was sitting at the edge of his bed with a small white box. _Probably the first aid kit_ , she thought. With his eyes he motioned for her to sit next to him and although she was hesitant she eventually obliged. Placing her hands in her lap, she watched him rummage through the contents before taking out a few items.

"Let me see them."

Her hands were raw when she held them out to him. Angry red skin was all that was visible and she hid her face from him, suddenly embarrassed at the current situation. A few hours ago she was the one angry with him as she patched and stitched his various injuries, and now the tables had turned. She could feel his body tense at the sight of them and was ready for the scolding she was surely about to receive. She felt him lower her hands back into her lap, and move to place a gentle grip under her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. There was a reason she had avoided his gaze and this was it. She knew what look she would be met with. It was demanding of an explanation, but how could she give him one when all of the things she had planned to say were suddenly gone from her mind.

"Do you remember what I told you?"

 _Of course she did._ "The feelings are mutual." She repeated back to him.

He released his hold on her chin and began the process of cleaning her wounds and wrapping them in gause. She watched as he moved in a rhythmic pace; cleaning them and then applying ointment.

"I meant what I said, Petra."

"But you don't know how I feel about you." She responded quietly.

"You think I don't know how you feel about me? You're smarter than that."

She sat there in silence unsure of what to say next. Her head was spinning. "I..." She bit the soft skin of her lip searching for the right words. "The things I feel for you... There are no words to explain them. So how could you know? You think my feelings are superficial, that it's only skin deep, but I've always wanted you, Levi. Even before I knew what it was I wanted, even before I knew you. Do you understand? It was never a choice for me."

Her heart was pounding and she was grateful that he never stopped his task of setting her wounds. If he had, she wasn't sure she'd be able to go on. But his eyes, although focused on what he was doing, were soft. The usually sharp lines of his face had relaxed and so she watched him work and allowed herself to be lost in the constant moving of his hands around hers.

"I never planned on telling you... I was fine with fighting by your side, and I don't expect anything from you. But when you tell me not to fight, it's difficult for me. And when you say the feelings are mutual... I just need you to understand that they're not, and that I'm okay with that, and I'm willing to take what you can give me."

He stopped wrapping the remaining hand and turned them over gently in his. "I don't know how I feel about you, Petra. I try not to think about it because it fucking terrifies me. But then there are times when I see you, and I feel like I have to tell you everything. Even if I don't know what the hell it is I'm trying to say. I just want to tell you."

Hesitantly he lifted his hand to her cheek and she froze. "Like that night, when I saw you... I couldn't stop the words from leaving my mouth and when they did, a part of me regretted it instantly. I'm afraid that you'll stay and I'm afraid that you'll disappear and that will never change."

His hand began to move and she quickly pressed her own against his to keep it in place. What could she say back to that? Her mind was blank. Empty. Only two words floating in it's cloudy surface. "I'm sorry."

She didn't know why she said it. Maybe it was because she understood the conflicting feelings that he felt for her. She had felt them to, once, but the idea of him never returning them made it easier to accept. No one really wanted to feel anything significant for another person in their world. Not when everything was so temporary. Not when the person you let in can be taken from you without a moment's notice.

Her hands were trembling as she moved them to either side of his face, and touched her forehead to his. Searching his eyes for some sort of signal for her to stop, but there was none. "I'm sorry," She whispered this time, kissing both sides of his cheeks and repeating her apology over and over again until finally she reached his lips and brushed her own against his. It was a whisper of a kiss, barely there, but still the pounding of her heart reached her ears as she waited for him to recoil in detest.

Instead his grey eyes darkened in intensity and he pulled her closer to him so that she rested in his lap. "Again." He ordered, but his voice was hoarse from his own anticipation.

The sound of it sent heat throughout her body and she obeyed. Brushing her lips against his again without the innocent hesitation of before. She wanted to comfort him, to let him know that she understood him. That they didn't need words to express whatever it was they felt for one another.

The warmth of his lips surprised her. After all the time she had spent watching them deliver orders and reprimands, she had never thought they could be so tender. His hands wandered to her sides and explored the skin of her back, causing her to release a gentle sigh of bliss. She wanted to do the same, to let her hands wander and discover every thing there was to know about him. But she couldn't, not now.

Sliding her hand down his chest she pushed space between them. His heart was racing under her outstretched fingers and she knew it matched her own. "I don't want you to regret anything that happens between us. I-"

The light press of his lips against her forehead silenced her words. "Will you stay with me tonight?" His words were hesitant, as though he wasn't sure what he was saying.

"Of course." Her voice trembled as she spoke, her body still riding the high of being close to him.

Slipping herself under the heavy bedding she attempted to steady her breathing as he slid in beside her. Laying on his back he closed his eyes, his breathing seeming to return to normal. She wanted to move closer, but decided against it given her whole spiel of not wanting things to move too fast or whatever the hell she had said. So instead she settled on lying on her side facing him, with every intention of studying the now relaxed features of his face. Wanting to memorize each curve and angle incase in the morning, he changed his mind.

* * *

I'm so so sorry for the long break between this chapter and the last. Work and school are really kicking my ass, but I promise I'm always writing (even when I should be doing other things). I plan on having the next chapter up in a few days so thanks for hanging in there!


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